seasickdreams:

So the past few months on tumblr, I’ve been seeing music posts left and right. About favourite bands, and least favourites, and opinions, and everything in between. I’ve seen some pretty long posts about how much a band has changed someone’s life, and I’ve always wanted to try it. I never could get the words down right, but this is from the heart, so hopefully it gets something across.
My favourite band, would be Paramore. I’ve only really let music sink into my whole life recently. It wasn’t until seventh grade when I really got into different bands. I always thought from then, Fall Out Boy was my favourite. But at the beginning of the summer of eighth going into ninth, I listened to Paramore. [I know, I’m not one of the fans from the start. this seems to be a huge issue, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore.] Anyway, from the moment I gave them a listen, I seriously could not stop for months. Everyday, I had to listen to them. When Riot! came out before I left for overseas, I got it and listened to it every night before I left. I didn’t have the money until Christmas to finally get awkif, but when I did, I never stopped listening to it. Everyday I had to listen to it. They were there with me for everything.
From all the good times with friends and people I became involved with, to all the terrible times I’ve had with family, friends, and relationships. No matter how many times I listened to them, they never got old. When I saw Paramore for the first time April 24, 2008, I felt so alive. I had this amazing feeling. I can’t describe it exactly. All I know is, it was one of the best nights of my life. Then the next night, was the night I was forced to come out to my dad and stepmom. At first, when they confronted me, I wanted to lie. I wanted to push it aside until I was ready. But I felt this amazing strength from the night before, and just flat out told them it was who I was. Maybe on the outside, it didn’t seem like they helped. But Paramore just has..always been there. God, see this sound so stupid, all of this. I can’t form these words correctly. ever. but I need to get this out finally.
That whole summer, things were up and down. I was on the verge of tears every night over such silly things. To distract myself, I went on the paramoremusic community on lj. I don’t regret staying in most nights, because from there, I still have amazing lj friends I talk to all the time. Especially when people began to drop me out of nowhere, I had them, and that was all thanks to Paramore.
There was a point where I guess I realized how bad my depression got that summer. I was on the the edge all the time, and I had internal battles on whether or not to give up months of staying away from cutting [which, no I am not proud of.]. One day, I went too far almost. I did something I thought would never happen, and I almost went through with it. What stopped me, I don’t know. It was about a week or two before I went to go see Paramore in Asbury Park, NJ. I was going to bring Sam. But I broke down, snapped, lost control…yet something stopped me. I don’t know what. I don’t really want to know. I don’t want to get into it that much, either. But when we got there on August 16, 2008, I was so happy to still be …alive. My heart was pounding as the hours turned to minutes until Paramore came onstage. We were about ten feet from the stage. I was so excited and filled with so much happiness. I was seeing them again, and this time I was closer. I didn’t care that my ears were starting to mess up, I didn’t hold them in to protect my hearing. I stood in the same spot all night, sang every word to every song with feeling, and I loved it all. During that night, Paramore played My Heart, the acoustic version. I will be honest, I cried. I cried so hard, singing along, watching them onstage. I didn’t think I’d make it. I didn’t think I’d get to see them again, and seeing them play that song gave me so much feeling. I can’t even explain it, but my chest gets tight, and I get a knot in my stomach, and I always tear up when I tell people about that night. I don’t remember a time I felt so alive and I knew things would be okay. I regret letting that feeling go. I don’t know why or how I did, but this past year, things fell apart so fast. I was so alive and happy and thankful for my life last fall, because of Paramore. But I went and messed it up, at least 6 times this spring when I moved back to my mom’s. I don’t know how I got the feeling back though. After my attempts to basically leave this world, I realised something has to be holding me here for some reason, and I can’t give up now. I did eventually relapse shortly after a year of staying clean, and I’m not proud. However, if it honestly wasn’t for the damage I’ve done to myself recently, I wouldn’t have seen how much I need to change. and once again, I have Paramore to thank. Through everything, they were always there, just like I said. I don’t care how big they’ll get, or how batshit insane some of the fans can be. What matters is how much I love this band, and they’re one of the first who I’ve never left for another band. I’m more than happy about them fixing things and not drifting apart; if Paramore ended, I don’t know what I would do honestly. Every second, of every song of theirs has some sort of meaning to it. Every song has a certain memory, mostly all good, that I’ve attached to them. I cannot imagine where I would be without them now. I don’t think I’d be here, pouring my heart out into this right now, listening to them, feeling something, anything when I hear them.
Like I said, when it comes to things like these, I can never put the right words in. But know this; Paramore has always been the band that never really let me down, showed me there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s okay to feel whatever you need to. I’m alive still today. I honestly thought the worst would get to me. And as stupid as it sounds, Paramore did save my life. I really would not be able to thank them enough. They’ve inspired me with so much, and they’ve just been there. I said that so much, but it’s the truth. I wish I could describe the feeling in my heart for them. I can’t, and honestly, it’s okay. I know that they’re my favourite, and always will be for the most important reasons. I hope some day I can tell them this, and thank them for saving me. One day, I’ll let them know. But for now, all I can say is, they’re my favourite. no matter what. they’re always going to be. I love Paramore, and I’m not ashamed by that one bit. There will always be that one extra day I’m alive and thank God I found them. flskjdaskjgl no one can compare, and I am okay with this, because they will always always always hold a place in my heart. <3

eta: also, I chose last year for my first lyrical solo paramore’s we are broken. performing it at my recital was the most amazing experience, and I was so into the routine. I actually was crying towards the end, because that was also another point in my life I didn’t think I’d see.

yeah:|

if you read this, you have no idea what it means to me, and thank you so so so much :’[

eta 2: http://seasickdreams.tumblr.com/post/2373855846

this is so fucking old holy shit.